Wrestling from a Parallel Perspective
by AlKaholiK
Summary: I sometimes wonder what life would be like in an alternate universe. So, I figured that I'd just share some of my thoughts with you kind people. I hope that you can enjoy and appreciate my viewpoints. Yes, this is a one shot. [REPOST]


Disclaimer: I don't own a motherfucking thing.

This is my last repost…I promise.

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Fans and general readers, last night I had too much whiskey and ended up in what I call a "whiskey trance". While I was under the spell, I vividly remember dreaming about how I watched myself actually existing in a parallel universe! I'd be here on Earth, but my alternate self would also be on another earth in a parallel universe.

Well, when dealing with things like parallel universes and the sort, you'd have to imagine that what goes on there won't affect life that exists here—or at least I wouldn't figure, anyway.

So, as I recovered this morning, I imagined what it would be like on some other Earth, somewhere far off in another part of time-space. Now, to appease those with an interest in such things, I called this place Earth 2. This is my story of what I found there...

On Earth 2, the movie "A Beautiful Mind" stars Booker T, a troubled mathematical genius that wrestles with the WWE, and schizophrenia, before being locked away in the nut house. There, his Spinaroonie is seen for what it is - a physical representation of a four-dimensional whirlagog, otherwise impossible to demonstrate or visualize. For his vast contribution to the field of mathematics, Booker is the recipient of the Nobel, the Stunner, and a bucket of fried chicken.

On Earth 2, the Undertaker is made of iron, and is basically invulnerable. He is wheeled to the ring by Paul Bearer for every match, and placed in the middle of the ring, where his dominance is patent. Once, when he was attacked by the NWO--(I told you, this is a parallel universe), the Undertaker simply remained still, as they tried to bash in his head with an anvil, and slammed his groin with a sledge hammer. In his retirement match in 2037, Jeff Hardy knocks a rust-covered Undertaker to the mat, but before he can attempt to pin the iron giant, Hardy taps out. Backstage, it is believed that the Undertaker should not have sold so much.

On Earth 2, Pep Boys becomes the exclusive distributor of "Hogan Wax," a popular chemical compound that gives cars and trucks an orange tint, and saggy manboobs.

On Earth 2, Vince Russo is given free reign to re-invent pro-wrestling. His finished product is proposed to major networks and a variety of cable outlets. True to Russo's vision, this new show features no wrestling whatsoever, and is given the title "The Jerry Springer Show." He is hailed as a genius by small sects of white trash huddled around a dusty Zenith in the back of their mobile home, noted for subsisting largely on Alpo and curdled milk. The lifestyle of these Russoites provides enough material to sustain Jeff Foxworthy's career for centuries.

On Earth 2, Nora Greenwald has been wrestling for over 20 years. Most consider her the "Ric Flair" of women's wrestling. She's held the WWE Women's title since 1993. Most title matches last 60 seconds or less. Nora gives her backfist to all WWE Divas whenever she feels like it, even at press conferences. Stephanie McMahon was charged with the duty of telling Nora to drop the title to Bertha Faye in 1995, and Nora delivered the backfist, resulting in Stephanie's head exploding like a water balloon. No criminal charges were filed against her for the murder. In 1998, Triple H openly declared his homosexuality and took Shane McMahon as his "life partner," followed immediately by his meteoric push and dominance as WWE champion.

On Earth 2, Tony Schiavone flips burgers at a Wendy's, and is the self-proclaimed "most versatile champion in the history of all culinary arts." His supervisor is Bill Goldberg. Buff Bagwell works the Drive-Thru window. He is not allowed to wear his oversized Dr. Suess hat.

On Earth 2, the Royal Rumble involves 435 participants--every living wrestler that ever worked for the WWE. Unlike our Royal Rumble, the finish is not nearly so predictable, as most of the current stars are eliminated by the fifth hour. The best strategy is employed by Viscera and King Kong Bundy, who curl up in opposite corners and nap there for the early part of the match. In the fourteenth hour, with most of the remaining participants near death, or in desperate need of a piss break, Bundy and Viscera rise up and clean the ring out, and then begin eating one another. Bob Backlund, who had been piledriven outside the ring seven hours before, regains consciousness, and is declared the winner.

On Earth 2, Michael Cole has a personality.

On Earth 2, Steve Austin has his own television program taped before a live studio audience. During the course of the show, Austin reads from the pages of the local phonebook, Martha Stewart recipe cards and the advice column from "Hustler." At every pause, the audience chants "What!" The show is broadcast worldwide, and is even sent in to space where it is enjoyed by martians. Scandal erupts in the third season when it is revealed that the "live audience" is in fact a number of lifelike robots and mannequins operated by out-of-work chimpanzees.

On Earth 2, NITRO is still on the air, Eddie Guerrero is still alive, and the WCW roster has been trimmed to just eight wrestlers. The main event of NITRO every week is a Dean Malenko and Eddie Guerrero match which is always interrupted by a cut away shot to the parking garage where a mysterious limo is arriving at NITRO. For months, the limo arrives, and arrives, and arrives, but no one ever emerges from within. Eddie and Dean continue to have the most incredible matches in the history of television. On the 103rd week of the limo saga, the limo is revealed to just be an airport shuttle vehicle. That night, NITRO draws a 61.4 rating--its biggest ever.

On Earth 2, all WWE video games are patterned after "Wrestlemania: The Arcade Game." Special codes allow players to enhance gameplay. A secret code can be keyed in to give angry civil rights activist Faarooq a pretty, periwinkle Nerf hat. One code actually allows the WWE to properly promote cruiserweight matches, if only in the context of the game. Other codes turn the Highlanders into "The Bushwhackers," create a glass ceiling over the ring whenever RVD wrestles, and there's a special code that enables John Cena to execute a suplex properly.

On Earth 2, Monday Night RAW has become an interview-only show. All the wrestling matches are shown on Smackdown, Excess, Superstars, Challenge, Byte This, Metal, Jakked, All-American Wrestling, Saturday Night's Main Event, Spectrum Wrestling, Heat, Primetime Wrestling and Up Your Rear with Todd Pettengill. No one notices the change. Each episode features short fifteen-second interviews with every WWE wrestler, where they are allowed to recite as many catchphrases as possible in their allotted time. Due to a lack of catchphrases, Albert--who's still employed with WWE--uses his fifteen seconds to delight the crowd with his beautiful mandolin playing. He later joins the Boston Pops, and becomes a recurring character on "Frasier."—which is still on the air simply because it was a fucking hilarious show.

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So, thanks for taking the time to read, and as always, please press that wonderful "review" button and share your thoughts. 


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